No doubt being intentionally provocative is good for selling newspapers. But the unsuspecting public might be well-served if such a practice carried a caution – “Warning the ideas expressed in this column may be hazardous to the health of the human community.”
Certainly Margaret Wente’s childish attack (“Globe And Mail” June 25, 2010) on women who try to take seriously the responsibilities of motherhood, should come wrapped in cellophane and only be sold from behind the counter. It is hard to imagine her opinions being given serious consideration in a public newspaper.
Wente harkens back to an idyllic age when parents sat around “in the backyard with their friends, smoking and drinking to excess, while” their children “ran wild through wooded vacant lots and hazardous construction sites.” She longs for the good old days when “my mom allowed me to go to a Cubs game in the company of the friendly school bus driver (!!!)” and “breastfeeding was regarded as faintly backward.” Presumably no child was ever hurt by “the friendly school bus driver,” and no child today benefits from the womanly art of nursing.
Of course Wente grew up in the sweet innocent era when “Nobody had heard of child abuse or BPA,” So she enjoyed the privilege of blissful fun and peace that today’s children will never experience. Today poor underprivileged middle class children are cursed with protective parents. They “live in a world where no child is left alone, not even for a moment” because we all “fear that dangerous pedophiles lurk in every bush.”
The whole idea of responsible parenting has become in Wente’s demented world, nothing but another “plot to oppress women.” The strategy “couldn’t get more diabolical.” Poor unfortunate deluded “Highly educated, progressive and enlightened mothers don’t need men to oppress them;” they have become “perfectly capable of oppressing themselves!” They “clap on the shackles” of a “new ethic of motherhood,” that “promises that you will find wisdom, happiness, and connectedness, not only with your children but with the earth itself. Instead, what you mostly get is guilt.”
The world would obviously be a better place if we were to lower “the high moral bar we’ve set for modern motherhood.” Any standard towards which a woman might aspire as a mother is obviously “a tremendous deterrent to motherhood itself.” A woman’s desire to care for her children has created a dangerous world in which Wente courageously warns us, “Any thoughtful woman would have to think twice, thrice, or three times thrice before committing to a task with such demanding standards. Can you blame them for deciding not to?”
I am not a mother and so, perhaps I have no right to speak. But I have witnessed a number of mothers in action, some at close quarters over many yeaers. I have seen how the lives of these mothers have enriched and continue to enrich the universe with untold blessings through their gracious self-giving service to their children.
For Wente the idea of selfless service may be an atrocious blunt tool to oppress frail vulnerable women who know no better than to be led into destructive self-sacrifice by the oppressive demands culture imposes upon them as mothers. But in my experience, the pinched self-obsessed little world that Wente promotes has done more harm to the world than all the selfless acts of kindness I have witnessed in the mothers I observe doing the best they can to maintain the highest standards of of care for their children.
The selfish self-absorbed world that Wente seems to want us to return to is a sad barren place where adults get to indulge their appetites with little consideration for anything other than their own amusement and pleasure. Children are a burden and should not inconvenience the adults who have had the misfortune to be entrusted with the gift of providing for their care.
I see in most of the mothers I know the finest and most gracious qualities of which human beings are capable. I delight in the dedication, commitment and gentle service the mothers I know give to support the flourishing and health of their children in every way imaginable. I see beauty in the gentle love and sacrifice of parents who set aside some of their own need to lounge around “in the backyard with their friends, smoking and drinking to excess” and instead give themselves to support a small life for which they have taken responsibility by bringing a new being into the world.
What a sad pinched little impoverished world we would live in if those who aspire to the radiant heights of motherhood were to heed Wente’s adolescent advice to substitute self-indulgence for self-sacrifice and put their own interests ahead of preparing another generation for the adventures and challenges of life. The world would be a far better place if we could raise up rather than ridicule those qualities demonstrated by all parents who in Wente’s weird world have become merely another example of the oppression of women.
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June 29, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Noelle
Wente’s article is a prime (and disgusting) example of what I see as a major cultural problem that reaches beyond motherhood – the idea that self-sacrifice, that putting other people’s needs before your own, somehow oppresses you and should be offensive to you. There are many more things I could say about Wente’s silly diatribe, but you’ve touched on most of them already!
June 30, 2010 at 11:47 am
Rob H
Actually I enjoy reading Wente’s articles as a lot of it is tongue in cheek, humour where you have to slice apart her real message. Course as a man I’m probably considered not knowing anything.
Did you know Wente was an invited guest to the Brunch that Prime Minister Harper’s wife Laureen organized for the G20 spouses amongst other woman of Canadian achievements.
I agree that the mothers of today and prior who bring up children do work that has always been undervalued by spouses and government.
Life is more complicated and has placed more demands on their time and energy including a greater number of single parents.
Wente to my mind was reminding us that we did have times that as children we could play in the park , pickup dirt in a pool of water, swim in the local pool or pond , ride our bike down the road near our house.
At one level our concern about safety , health has become so entrenched that our children do not know how to function unless in a controlled group function.
Parents need to step back for a moment and find ways to encourage their children to explore in a safe environment such that it is more natural.
When I talk to the mothers of today I also hear how tough it is because expectations by schools and other parents to adjust to some new concern where you wonder of the lunch you send might offend someone.
I guess I tuned out some of Wente’s observations but I can remember our kids playing on the patio while Mum’s chatted enjoying a wee nip in the sun.
June 30, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Barbara
I didn’t much like the tone of Margaret Wente’s column. If taken seriously, and not as a piece of satire, there is a harshness, a meanness to it that is disturbing. Although I have no doubt that there were some mothers in the unnamed past decades – I’m assuming the 50’s and 60’s – who behaved as described by Ms. Wente, I doubt that this was standard parenting practice. There is little to no sense of love in the parenting she illustrates for us in this column, and I just can’t believe that mothers in the 50’s and 60’s loved their children any less than do mothers today. So I’m guessing that perhaps Margaret Wente’s own experience of a particularly neglectful mother colours this piece. It sounds like she has a lot of personal pain to work through still. And I wish her well in this.
Despite my problem with the tone, I did, however, find myself cheering a little upon reading the column. Because, as a mother, I believe there is something valuable being stated here. And it has something to do with recognizing how difficult it can be for mothers when we, as a society, put the act of mothering on too high a pedestal. Motherhood can be the most deeply meaningful role of a woman’s life. The rewards are great, sublime even. There is a sense of connection between mother and child that is unlike the connection experienced in any other relationship. But, and this must be said, motherhood is also hard work. Very hard work. Often repetitive and mind-numbing. And many – dare I say most – mothers are exhausted, at least in the early years of their role as mother. Exhausted, sometimes depressed, and often burdened with guilt for not quite meeting the motherhood mark.
In idealizing motherhood, we are probably very well-intentioned. We are saying that yes, the role of mother is deeply important and we want to honour that. But in doing so we are also setting nearly unattainable goals as the gold standard. Whether it be the super-mom of the 80’s and 90’s, the yummy-mummy of past 10 years, or the eco-mom of today, the fact is that most of us will never in our years as mothers be able to come even close to the pinnacles of successful motherhood defined for us by the mysterious setters of cultural standards. And as the various forms of media ensure that the idealized image of motherhood becomes even more pervasive in our lives, I fear that what is happening today is that mothers are becoming even more burdened with guilt and a sense of inadequacy than ever before.
It would be wonderful if we as mothers could just take what is good from whatever the current image of ideal motherhood might be, and incorporate it into our practice of mothering where possible, while cutting ourselves and our colleagues in motherhood some slack when we’re just plain too tired and overwhelmed with the details required to just get through the day. I’m not advocating ‘smoking and drinking to excess while the kids run wild’, nor sending an 8 year old off to a baseball game with the ‘friendly bus driver’. Just that we allow ourselves, as mothers, to live, in a place of freedom and spaciousness. Not striving to meet the goals of motherhood set by the culture. But instead, mothering simply: following common sense, loving our children and listening to our hearts. I do believe that if we can just do this, we will realize that God is guiding us on the journey. We will learn to trust in that guidance. Our roles as mothers might not get much easier, but there will be far more moments of joy and lightness. And as we experience these they will be in turn be transmitted to our children, and to others in our midst. What a wonderful gift, to ourselves and to the world.