When you strip away all the scintillating debate about the existence or non-existence of a dimension of life beyond this material realm, what are you left with?
You are left with the reality of physical death and the choices we make about how we live in light of this inevitability. We will all die. We must all face this inescapable reality of our existence. We all choose every moment to move towards this reality with greater grace and openness, or more entrenched resistance.
For Ashley Makar the confrontation with death has come tragically early. At the age of 33 she is living with a deadly diagnosis of esophageal carcinoma.
Ashley reflects with disturbing honesty and translucent faith on her journey with cancer at http://killingthebuddha.com/mag/confession/communion-on-chemo/.
She faces the inevitability of her own death with refreshing openness:
I believe in the healing power of prayer. I can feel the anonymous prayers of strangers in the shawls around my shoulders. I can feel the morning prayers of my friend’s mother, also living with cancer, buoying me up to embrace each day and celebrate life. I can already feel the unction of last rites—the repose that lets you rest, and die, when you need to.
But, extraordinarily cancer for Ashley is not only about facing the reality and the inevitability of dying. It is also about living; it is about how she spends the remaining days or months of her physical life. She desires to live with her cancer, resisting the temptation that can come to us all, no matter how “healthy” we may be, to live in death before we die.
I don’t believe God will heal my body completely of cancer, no matter how much anyone prays; no matter how much holy Kool-Aid I drink. But the communion wine goes down smooth, the holy oil soothes, and my life force is stronger than ever—in light (yes, light!) of my cancer. There will come a day I can’t swallow anymore. But until then, I’ll keep drinking life to the lees. I’ll keep writing, trying to put words to the mystery I see in wondrous and troubling things.
I imagine all those prayers for healing swooping over the ground under my feet, like the shadows of birds. Evidence of living things unseen, faith making me well enough to live abundantly, with cancer.
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May 6, 2012 at 7:23 am
jaqueline
“I don’t believe God will heal my body completely of cancer, no matter how much anyone prays; no matter how much holy Kool-Aid I drink. But the communion wine goes down smooth, the holy oil soothes, and my life force
is stronger than ever—in light (yes, light!) of my cancer. There will come a day I can’t swallow anymore. But until then, I’ll keep drinking life to the lees. I’ll keep writing, trying to put words to the mystery I see in wondrous and troubling things.”
Christopher, this goes so against what we usually hear…to fight cancer, to battle with it, to defeat it. It goes against positive thinking too….she is stating that it will choke her, kill her one day. I can hear the positivists howling that she is giving power to the disease…..
this intrigues me…..
It has always troubled me that we talk about fighting cancer… it was on the tellie again the other day , a new set of ads showing strong warrior figures being brave in the face of it.
It troubles me because it is our own cells that have mutated and I think…in battling cancer are we not perpetuating what contributed to the disease in the first place…a battle with ourselves?
Harry, do you have any thoughts on this? Forgive me, as I am asking as an outsider, but it is so much in our awareness in our culture that I have these questions.
May 6, 2012 at 9:15 am
Harry Eerkes
I’m in close agreement with Ashley. Right from first receiving my diagnosis a bit over a year ago, I sensed that fighting cancer would not work for me, and might just create more negative energy on which the tumour could feed. I resolved to live with it – as one might live with an amputation – it becomes a part of what and who we are – a constant companion. And in living with the cancer I too am aware of being surrounded by prayer ‘wrapping me in peace’ to deal with whatever might be ahead.
May 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm
jaqueline
But what about the idea of visualising healing and living? How does that fit in with your approach? I feeling instinctually that yours and Ashley’s is the better road…but in both her and your reply there is s sense of inevitability. Perhaps that is not intentional..
May 7, 2012 at 7:35 am
Harry Eerkes
A cancer diagnosis did bring me face to face with the possibility of an earlier death than I had envisioned. However, living is being in the Divine Presence now and not a battle to be won, and so death is not a defeat to me, but a continuation of this adventure of Life. As to visualizations of healing and living, for me that is more of a living as well as possible every day, maintaining a sense of joy and expectation and thanksgiving for all the gifts and angels surrounding me. There is a sense of surrender here – surrender to the good and holy in and around me and receiving all gifts with an open heart.
May 9, 2012 at 11:14 am
Lisa Provedor-Snyder
Ashley’s blog is deep and powerful. Jacqueline and Harry, I have also thought a lot about what you have discussed here: that there is so much emphasis in society around cancer and terminal illness being a battle, and that perhaps there is another way of acceptance and surrender.
When I think about this, it reminds me of an old “Star Trek: The Next Generation” episode I saw. (Yes, I’m a shameless trekkie, and often find wisdom in those old shows! Please bear with me as I tell you briefly about one show which mirrors what is being discussed here.)
In the episode, the Enterprise encounters some kind of strange space anomaly, like a temporal energy cloud. Consequently, the ship becomes trapped in a time loop in which the Enterprise pours power into the shields in an attempt to hold back the anomaly. Tragically, it doesn’t work, and the Enterprise explodes violently. The story is from the Chief Engineer’s point of view, and, in each time loop, he has to try to figure out how to make things turn out differently, so that the Enterprise can remain intact and escape the anomaly.
“More power to the shields!” he keeps telling the crew, but the explosive end result keeps happening in each time loop, until it finally occurs to the engineer that the shields, rather than protecting the ship, are actually amplifying the energy waves coming from the anomaly, thereby blowing the ship apart. So this time, in about the fifth repetition of the time loop, he commands the crew to do exactly the opposite. “Drop the shields!” It works. The energy waves of the anomaly simply wash over the Enterprise, and the ship sails effortlessly through the anomaly and on its way.
So, okay, real life doesn’t always wrap up this neatly. Sometimes, as humans, we don’t get away, and we end up succumbing to the illness or ‘anomaly’ or whatever. But I think there’s something to the idea of coming to illness or challenge the way Ashley and Harry have done: not in a battle stance, with full power to the shields, but from a place of acceptance or surrender.
This discussion also brings to mind Vancouver doctor, Gabor Mate’s, book, “When the Body Says No”, in which he discusses the delicate interplay between the emotions and the immune system. (Psychoneuroimmunology, he calls it). It is a controversial book in that it suggests that relentless positive thinking with no room for the ‘negative’ emotions of fear and anger, may actually exacerbate illness. He speaks of one terminally ill patient who had a sign tacked to her hospital door saying “No tears in here”. For her,it was all about fighting the illness (“More power to the shields!”), and fighting her own frightening emotions which loomed like shadows (or like an ‘anomaly’) at the edge of her vision.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts. Far be it from me to judge someone else’s way of facing their illness, since I haven’t had the experience of having to personally fight a terminal illness. However, hearing Ashley and Harry’s accounts of dealing with their illnesses makes me think that perhaps there is wisdom in ‘dropping the shields’ and trying to come to a place of surrender and acceptance. (Okay, enough of those Star Trek references!!)
Thanks for letting me share. -Lisa
May 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Harry Eerkes
Thanks Lisa – As a dedicated Trekkie I remember the episode – thanks for the reminder and it relates directly to what I’m trying to live – drop the shields! Whenever I’ve operated with the shields in place, I’ve “failed” in some way, and I believe that would be the same in living with my present illness – besides it takes so much energy to keep those shields at full power ….
May 10, 2012 at 5:36 am
Christopher Page
I am not a Trekkie. But Lisa you almost have me converted! I love your Star Trek story. It relates beautifully here, but also powerfully to the “What is Wrong With ‘Wrong’” series of posts. When we approach life with resistance, we increase the power of those forces we are resisting. When we drop our shields we discover new freedom, strength, light, and hope. We will ultimately, of course still die. But when we have been practicing life without resistance, I believe we will meet death, whenever it comes, with greater peace.
And thank you Harry for your lovely and wise words. The spirit with which you have faced this daily challenge is evident in the words you have written. Blessings on you as you continue on this journey of faith and trust.