My final four pointers to the divine, do not clinch the argument. But, they pry open my heart another inch and enable a few more tiny shards of light to penetrate the darkness.
6. Pain. As I look at the lives of people with whom I have interacted through the years, I see in many cases such agonizing pain and brokenness, that it is almost unimaginable they should have been able to continue in the journey of life. As I look at the terrors and the horrors of human history, the miracle of the human species emerges as a testimony to a power vastly greater than human reason or even biological necessity could ever encompass.
How is it that in the midst of the fractured reality of human experience, we have survived? How is it that in the face of injustice, violence, abuse, wrong, hatred, anger, terror, again and again, human beings have found within themselves the ability to return with forgiveness and hope to the enterprise of being together in communion with other human beings? I cannot convince myself that the grace and mercy so often manifest in the midst of the desperation that has characterized so much of human experience, is merely a function of the power of positive thinking, or the self-serving desire of our species just to survive for one more day.
I have never been able to understand why the reality of suffering should convince anyone that there can be no such thing as a benevolent force commonly called “God” at the centre of existence. For me the impact has been exactly the opposite. As I stand at the edge of a grave into which we lower the physical remains of a tortured soul who has committed suicide, my heart can only open with a longing that nothing but realms unseen could ever ultimately satisfy.
As I contemplate the unimaginable horrors of human history, I am driven, not to cynicism and despair but to hope and light.
7. Questions. This cuts both ways. For some people, the fact that there are questions that simply cannot be resolved with an easy answer, is proof that there are no answers. For me, the complicated conundrums of life have always felt like a call from beyond the material realm to embrace a greater reality. The fact that I so often simply fail to understand so much of life, causes my heart to open to the possibility that there may be a wisdom beyond my own.
Over the years, the questions that once tortured me have begun to become a source of light and freshness. I see now in the unanswerable questions of my life, an indication of the limitations of human reason. For me, the more I am able to hold the unresolved tensions, the more I find my heart opening to a deeper and fuller reality. The puzzles of life are like fingers pointing to the moon. I do not stop at the finger determined to analyze it and figure it out. I allow the finger to point me to the beauty and mystery of being that is deeper than my imperfect comprehension.
8. Jesus. I almost hesitate to bring this up. So much nonsense has been promulgated in the name of Jesus. There has been such terrible abuse perpetrated upon so many by those who claim Jesus as their leader and their teacher. But, I cannot escape the reality that in the stories about and the teachings of this man named Jesus, I find a power and a depth that will not let me go.
As I ponder the life and wisdom of this man who lived 2,000 years ago, he seems in my heart to live and speak still. I see in him the force and power of love and the more I contemplate his reality, the more that love seems to permeate my being. He is my teacher and my guide. I seek to live in obedience to his deep wisdom and to trust daily in his presence.
9. Silence. I am a meditator. At least twice a day for the past fifteen years, I have sat for twenty minutes with my eyes closed in complete silence. As I sit, I am not trying to accomplish anything; I am not trying to get anywhere. I simply intend in my sitting to surrender my thoughts and return to silence.
In those years of quiet, I have found an unmistakable reality beginning to permeate the hours of my days. Mystery haunts the edges of my consciousness. My heart opens to realms of reality that are only vaguely perceptible to my consciousness. I find my life is shaped from within by a force that I perceive is not a product of my will. The space within me grows and, as it grows, so does my consciousness of another reality.
Like all the other pointers to divinity in my life, silence is ineffable. It does not achieve anything measurable or quantifiable. It operates in a realm that transcends the narrow confines of human language. It always points beyond itself to the outer edges of human consciousness.
In the end, all nine pointers leave me needing to decide. None of them alone constitutes irrefutable proof of anything. Even taken all together they do not amount to an argument that demands agreement.
Proof is not available in the territory of the divine. My pointers can only lead me to the place where I confront the need to make a decision. At this deciding point, I find myself compelled to step into the unknown, not with fear and anxiety, but with a calm assurance that, in this open space, I am not alone. I have not been abandoned. The centre of existence is not an empty, chaotic, meaningless void. I find in this open space a presence that seems to have an interest in my well-being and in the well-being of all creation.
As my heart opens, I encounter a presence that speaks to me. When I follow this voice, I seem more often to come to a place that is strong and deep. I find my soul thrives when I open to this depth.
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May 16, 2012 at 9:49 am
sethmil
In one way or another, I share most of your experiences. I would add just one, maybe it’s not different from one you have mentioned. It is the beauty of the cross, the risen Christ. It is for me at the heart of our claim to humanness, to our God nature.. He is the definition of a higher love, unknown to us but by His sacrifice. His truth is self evident and needs no proof, it causes me to have no doubts. This can only be God and it cannot be untrue. If somebody came up with proof that God does not exist it would make no more difference to me than disproving the law of gravity. For me, it’s not something I believe, it’s something I know. Not to say I do not have doubts. My doubts center mostly on my worthiness, my own faith. It is through Him that I can see and I see clearly now.
May 21, 2012 at 8:40 am
M+
I can relate to many thoughts expressed in this 3-part theme.
At times I am overwhelmed by gratitude for I am richly blessed. I cannot explain my blessings by the laws of chance or claim they are deserved because of my own actions.. It is not that I have not been stuck by immense pain, tragedy and loss. I do not live in “La La” land or float on puffy white clouds.
I simply look for meaning in whatever life throws at me and I try to remember to be thankful. My constant companion is God. I find answers through my Christian faith. I do not shout my faith from street corners. It is not my style. It is something deep within, mysterious and understandable to those who are on the same journey – my Church community.
May 21, 2012 at 9:33 am
Steve
Your response in intriguing to me and instructive. In the first case, I am a believer not through any intention or decision of my own. In my heart and mind it is simply because He chose me. I would even go so far as to say I was actually resistant, kinda like I went kicking and screaming but He had a hold on me and would not let loose. It was a journey of prolonged suffering, years of unanswered prayers, discouragement piled on discouragement. But here is the question I kept asking myself, and still ask myself. Why did I keep going back. I actually resolved several times to stop, thinking this is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results. In hindsight I realize I was asking the wrong questions, looking in the wrong place, praying the wrong prayers. The God I was looking for was right in front of me the whole time, I just couldn’t see. It is so obvious and simple so as to seem like common sense to me now, I don’t understand why I couldn’t get it, I don’t understand why people don’t get it when I try to explain it to them.
The point I’m getting to is this. From my point of view, I cannot imagine how anyone could come to God out of thankfulness. For me, the suffering is/was a necessary ingredient. But I know there are many people who do come out of sheer gratitude like yourself. So the moral is there is not a formula. God works with each one of us according to our own personality.
I recently noticed on my bookshelf a book I did not even know I had. I don’t remember buying it. From the publication date I know it’s been there at least 30 years. The tile of the book through me for a loop, it was “How to be a Successful Christian”. The first thought that ran through my mind was it was one of those “I had a religious experience and so can you if you take my advice”: books. I was astonished to learn the author was a very prominent early twentieth century theologian, heavily credentialed and associated with several prominent organizations. I am still reeling from this one. One of the chapters is “The Six Steps to Receiving the Holy Spirit”. Unbelievable! To me at least. So the moral is something my Episcopalian minister told me many years ago, way before I know what he meant, “You can’t put God in box”.