The world most of us occupy most of the time is seldom a particularly gentle place. Gentleness is not a characteristic much valued in our culture. It frightens most people.
What makes gentleness so hard?
If you look for pictures depicting gentleness, you will inevitably find illustrations of infants, young children, and small pets. Gentleness feels like weakness, frail and easily hurt. It is not safe to be gentle. We feel unprotected and at risk. Gentleness is hard because, when we are gentle, we feel exposed.
We associate gentleness with vulnerability.
The world “vulnerable” has its origins in the Latin word “vulnerabilis which means “wounding”. We all carry wounds, some large, some small. We resist the pain of those wounds and determine to avoid at all costs opening ourselves to the possibility of “wounding” in the future. The wall of protection we build around our lives makes gentleness impossible.
Life feels like a competition; the reward for the winner is a life free of pain and discomfort. Gentleness is not a winning strategy. Gentleness is tender and tender is for losers. Gentleness is soft; winners are severe. They take control and run the show. They cannot be hurt because they are ruthless and invulnerable.
When we are gentle, we feel we have given away our power. We fear we will be taken advantage of. No one will look after us and we will be unable to take care of ourselves.
Gentleness is not in control. It feels helpless and incompetent. There is not much about gentleness that is attractive to the world at large. Everything we have been taught about life encourages us to resist gentleness.
We want power and strength. We want to approach life from a position of invincibility. We want to have an impact on the world, to control the circumstances of our lives and make things turn out the way we have determined they should. We want to be able to “get a handle on things,” to “wrestle life to the ground.”
It curious that, on one of the few occasions when Jesus chose to describe himself, he used the word “gentle.” He said,
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. (Matthew 11:29)
Jesus was certainly not weak. He does not appear to have experienced himself as being vulnerable. Even in the midst of a terrifying storm, Jesus was able to rest securely “in the stern, asleep on the cushion” (Mark 4:38). When his life was threatened and his disciples rushed to his defense, Jesus rebuked them asking,
Do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father, and he will at once send me more than twelve legions of angels? (Matthew 26:53)
The power of the universe was at his disposal. But Jesus chose not to exercise that power in his own defense. He renounced the instruments of violence. At his moment of greatest vulnerability, Jesus chose gentleness. Gentleness was not hard for Jesus because Jesus knew that, at the centre of his being there was an indestructible core that nothing could ever destroy. He had found the “one pearl of great value” (Matthew 13:46). He knew that it was worth sacrificing everything else to find this treasure at the heart of his being.
It is not gentleness that is hard. It is letting go of all those obstacles in its way that is challenging. When we grasp that “one pearl of great value,” we will follow Jesus who “went and sold all that he had and bought it.” Securely in possession of that “one pearl”, we will no longer have anything to protect; gentleness will become our natural stance. The world we inhabit will be a more gentle place.
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July 20, 2012 at 6:44 am
kimgye
Growing up as a child with Labrador dogs and a younger sister taught me some gentleness. Some wounding a little later on taught me to put that away. But its a little like riding a bike in that you can always pick it up again when it feels safe.
The quote: “Do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father, and he will at once send me more than twelve legions of angels? (Matthew 26:53)” makes me think more of someone who didn’t need to use any of the great power of his father which he knew he had in his pocket so to speak. Doesn’t feel like a moment of vulnerability to me so much.
July 20, 2012 at 8:46 am
Tress
Way back, when the Nightingale school of nursing still existed ,in St Thomas’s hospital. across from the Houses of Parliament in London, the sister tutors were legendary.; one that we irreverently called , between ourselves , “Poppy Pouppart” taught ethics .
her words , which i have never forgotten” gentleness is strength restrained”.
July 20, 2012 at 9:07 am
jaqueline
oh yes Tress!
I was just thinking that the best examples of gentleness are probably nurses…who are strong and capable…nothing passive about them…
and we all know how it goes badly when they are not.
July 20, 2012 at 9:02 am
jaqueline
“When we are gentle, we feel we have given away our power. We fear we will be taken advantage of. No one will look after us and we will be unable to take care of ourselves.
Gentleness is not in control. It feels helpless and incompetent. There is not much about gentleness that is attractive to the world at large. Everything we have been taught about life encourages us to resist gentleness.”
Well, actually..as a person that did not grow up with very much gentleness, with my family, nor in my culture………..I have had to learn what gentleness is ,…and isn’t. I have learnt it the hard way…by it’s absence, but there is an instinct within us that allows us to tell the difference between gentleness and passivity.
What you describe above is what we THINK gentleness is. What you describe above is what we mistake gentleness for: passivity.
Working with children, passivity does not serve…it makes them feel insecure, out of control, it often encourages aggression as a child seeks to balance the lack of action in a carer’s approach. When we mistake gentleness for passivity it is indeed inadequate and does make us feel our world is out of control.
Gentleness, arises when one is actually confident of being in control…and if not yourself, directly; being confident that all is held and is in flow and that life is in control. True gentleness allows you to be firm and yes. cross when the occasion demands it…without feeling like you have to resort to violence or rage to make up for a feeling of helplessness. You are able to let go without feeling lost. You are able to hold without gripping. With gentlenedd you can be firm AND gentle at the same time…you cannot be firm and passive at the same time.
Gentleness has a sense of wholeness…passivity has a sense of nothingness.
Gentleness is confident…passivity is not.
Gentleness can cope with all sorts of human states…the weak…AND the strong. ( if you want to tell a passive person from a gentle one…just observe what they do in the face of anger, or any strong emotion…passivity cowers, gentleness stands….and more than that…allows )
Gentleness can cope with feeling anger without trying to destroy , passivity cannot even face anger..(even from a two year old),and if it does, it becomes aggressive and destroying or swallows it.
Gentleness is receptive. Passivity is evasive.
Gentleness allows one to be present, passivity is withholding.
Indeed recovering for an ungentle background , those who have been passive toward me have frightened me, they leave me feeling abandoned and ugly. Gentle people have been empowering and strong..able to speak the truth without being afraid , but doing it in such a way that you feel totally received and accepted. They have been strong while at the same time, there has been this sense of softness.
Passivity is cowardly, gentleness is courageous.
Gentleness has strength at it’s centre. Passivity has weakness at it’s centre.
July 20, 2012 at 9:12 am
jaqueline
“what you describe above” = the quote at the beginning of my comment, not the whole post.
I think the mistake of passivity verses gentleness is why my skin has crawled when seeing depictions of Christ with lily white hands and this ethereal appearance..
Another example is the Dalai Lama…he strikes me as a gentle man ( ha ha )..but there is a sense of strength and presence about him that is anything but passive.