I confess, I don’t usually get Twitter; somehow it is a step too far for my limited, slightly arrested, social networking capabilities.
But thanks to Facebook, which is the over sixty version of social networking sophistication but old, tired, and boring to anyone under thirty, I am able to eavesdrop a little on the more youthful and to me incomprehensible, world of Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest, Flickr, Tumblr, etc.
So, I am grateful to Facebook and my “friends” who still occupy that aging social network for doing what they can to keep me at least within two decades of the realities of the current world.
I was reminded of limitations by a recent “Retweet”, whatever that means, posted on Facebook by https://www.facebook.comalastair.mccollum?hc_ref=ARTUUmz8GjRDs7pEQsnBFbftjnehV2LWcdBtnyvCtXN5WJd1kPIaVNhZZWUAE1O7qJ0&fref=nf. Alastair sent on a post by twenty-something Canadian comic book creator 
Kate Leth who, in the face of the vast “MeToo” tidal wave on all social media, has been reflecting on eight things men need to work on being able to say.
According to Alastair, Leth recently Tweeted:
good statements for men to practice:
1) I’m sorry
2) I shouldn’t have done that
3) no problem, goodnight
4) dude, don’t say that shit
5) please continue
6) she wasn’t finished
7) how can I help
8) actually, that was her idea
These bold statement bear reflecting upon by all men:
1) I’m sorry
I love the way Leth just puts these two words out there without qualification, explanation, or caveat. She does not invite men to add, “But I didn’t mean it that way,” or “But I had had a few too many drinks.” Certainly, she does not allow for any such excuse as, “But you were being provocative.” She invites men simply to say, “I am sorry,” which means, I was wrong; that is what an apology is.
2) I shouldn’t have done that
This is the absolute corollary of #1. It means I acknowledge that I was wrong. There is nothing I can do or say that mitigates the fact that I was wrong. My behaviour was inexcusable. I take full responsibility for what I did. I have no excuses, rationalizations or explanations by which to reduce my guilt, or diminish my responsibility for what I did that I should not have done.
Perhaps at this point, I would want to add, to Kate Leth’s list my own, #2a:
Please forgive me – I know I have absolutely no right to make any demands of you in this matter, but the simple fact is that we will never move forward until you accept the apology that I sincerely and unconditionally offer. I admit I did wrong; I make no excuse. It may be that our relationship is irreparably broken, if this is true, I am deeply sad. But, by acknowledging my need for forgiveness, I seek to give you back the power I took away in our relationship and hope we may move towards healing.
3) no problem, goodnight
Again, this is about power. You have the right to say “No.” I respect your right to say “No” at whatever point in our relationship you decide “No” is what you feel. It does not matter how far things have progressed between us; it does not matter what I may be feeling at this point. I honour, respect, and abide by your feelings at this moment, even if they seem inconvenient to me.
4) dude, don’t say that shit
This is interesting to me, perhaps new and certainly important. It means there are no innocent bystanders in inappropriate behaviour. When I am around men who are behaving inappropriately, speaking inappropriately or demonstrating inappropriate attitudes, I am responsible to say, “No. This is wrong. This is not the way we should be thinking or speaking about anyone.” I am culpable in any inappropriate behaviour I witness and fail to actively seek to curtail.
5) please continue
This is about respect. And respect is communicated by my desire to truly hear you. I do not want to steamroll over you. I do not want to shut you down. I want to hear you. I acknowledge that you have something important to say even if it is not what I want to hear, or if it disagrees with my point of view. If I ever shut you down, I am guilty of the abuse that I abhor when it takes a more active and violent form. Please know that I want your voice to be heard.
6) she wasn’t finished
In an ideal world, you would not need my defense. But, given the dysfunctional, conflicted relationships I have supported between men and women and the profound power imbalance from which I have benefited in the past, I need to come to your defense, whenever I see anyone in any way shutting you down. When you are interrupted, discounted, or ignored, I want to do what I can to open space for your voice to be heard. I know deeply that, whenever anyone is silenced, we are all diminished.
7) how can I help
The reality is that, although we are totally equal , physically I am stronger than most of the women in my life. This is no great virtue, in fact often a liability, but it is an unavoidable reality. Therefore, I am responsible for using my physical power to help create an environment in which you are encouraged to be fully present, to bring all that you are to the table.
8) actually, that was her idea
I commit myself to being honest. I will never take credit for anything you have initiated, created or brought into existence. I commit myself to never forcing you to live in the shadow of my insecure attention-grabbing ego. I want you to receive the credit that is your due. I want you to be seen. If this means that I become less visible, I choose to allow the light to shine where it originated.
In the end, we need one another in order to find our way forward in this messy business of being human. We need to move together in this unfolding drama of living in community.
Please help me support you in becoming more fully the person you are as this is the only path along which any of us will ever begin to heal.
In A Spacious Place 
6 comments
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November 18, 2017 at 8:34 am
jaqueline
“Please forgive me – I know I have absolutely no right to make any demands of you in this matter….”
That’s right, you don’t…..so then why do you go on to give every reason why you are making that demand?
No one has the right to ask for forgiveness. It is the right of the offended to offer it.
We think we are allowed to ask for forgiveness because we see it as an act of contrition and a request for mercy. That is what the apology is. If we ask for forgiveness we are demanding of the person we hurt something they may not be not ready to give.
Forgiveness is NOT a means to “seek to give you back the power.” as if you are the one who has that person’s power. Nor should it ever be an add on to an apology. Not only does it weaken the apology, it makes out that you have a right to ask something off the person whose trust you have broken.
If the relationship is irreparably broken, there is no point to put the one you have hurt in the awkward position of having to forgive you. All you will be doing is forcing them to either say yes when they are not ready or say no, and then make them to feel like they are merciless or callous or rejecting of forgiveness itself, and leaving them feeling like a “bad person.”
If the relationship is not irreparably broken, forgiveness will be evidenced by the continuation of the relationship.
So what should we expect as one who has offended and hurt and are giving an apology? Nothing.
November 18, 2017 at 8:36 am
jaqueline
However.
I teach children principles of reconciliation and empathy and within the context of our little community I teach them this: when they have received an apology, from someone who has hurt them, I teach them to say “thank you for your apology.” That’s it.
I teach the kids that when they have been hurt, they might still be angry, they might still be sad, they might still need to understand, they might still need help from someone, they might not want to play with the kid who hurt them.
Yet I teach the kids who are receiving the apology that the person who hurt them is making themselves soft and able to be hurt in return and so it is good for us to let them know we acknowledge the step they have taken by saying “thank you for the apology.”
Sometimes I hear the kids say ” I don’t think they meant it” and then I teach them we will know it was genuine by the way they have changed their actions toward us.
But that is in the context of childhood in a group that needs to function together and is full of little ones who love each other. It is a good principle to practice in families and in community groups.
But as adults we should be mature enough to not even expect a “thank you for your apology” We should be mature enough to take the scary step of saying sorry without expecting anything in return.
November 19, 2017 at 5:31 am
Christopher Page
thank you for these good words. See: https://inaspaciousplace.wordpress.com/2017/11/19/words-i-need-to-hear/
November 18, 2017 at 11:10 am
kids200
I realize this post is geared mainly towards men, but it occurs to me these are good words for women to learn to say too – I don’t think we can assume all women automatically know how to apologize 🙂 Or that we necessarily know how to protect another women’s space or ability to speak …
I remember reading somewhere about how the women in Barack Obama’s court decided to form a coalition to help other women’s voices be heard in meetings. I remember being tickled by this and thinking, O wow! What a great idea – mental note to self. Trying to find the post I’d read and found this one instead. Some tips …
http://fortune.com/2015/01/14/10-ways-women-can-avoid-manterruptions-in-meetings/
I know women supporting women isn’t a novel idea, but some good practical advice always come in handy 🙂
November 19, 2017 at 5:34 am
Christopher Page
thank you. The thing I think really needs to be said is that somehow men and women must find ways to work together to create a new way of being in relationship together.
November 19, 2017 at 5:30 am
Words I Need To Hear | In A Spacious Place
[…] in my post “Words I Need To Say” (https://inaspaciousplace.wordpress.com/2017/11/18/words-i-need-to-say/), I reflected on some important and helpful statements Kate Leth believes men need to practice […]