Wednesday 16 May 2018 – Selinde Krayenhoff “Nonviolent/Compassionate Communication” #1 as taught be Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

What is it that leads people to the place where they can do violence to others? The way we think and speak informs the way we act. As soon as we “other” the other person, we make it possible for us to hurt them.

Rosenberg wants to move us from the head to the heart which is the organ of connection.

Trauma lives on through the generations. So, we need to learn to speak in ways that do not hurt others.

What level of life do you live on. Do you want to be “right” or do you want to be in relationship? We fight because we are both “right”.

Words are important and how we use them matters. They have power.

Dom Miguel Ruiz:

The word is not just a sound or a written symbol. The word is a force; it is the power you have to express and communicate, to think, and thereby to create the events in your life. You can speak. What other animal on the planet can speak? The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; it is the tool of magic. But like a sword with two edges, your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you. … Depending upon how it is used, the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know.

Can we use words to build up?


Don’t confuse what’s ‘natural’ with what’s ‘habitual.’

Loneliness is increasing. But, each of us came into the world knowing how to communicate effectively. You come into the world perfectly hard-wired in a way that serves life.

Feelings are in the service of real needs. What is the underlying need behind this feeling?

Feelings are not judgments – “inadequate” is a judgement. Judgements are something we do to ourselves and others. “Failure” is a judgement.

We come into the world perfectly wired to communicate. Parents are perfectly wired to intuit what their baby feels and to make strategies to meet their baby’s need. But we quickly start to lose our wiring. We are talked out of expressing our feelings and needs. Instead we learn to judge ourselves assuming it is our fault that our needs are met in ways we did not enjoy or that didn’t actually meet our needs.

The need level is where real connection happens. But we exist in a culture where everyone tries to fix everything before we connect.

In non-violent communication always take time to connect with yourself – how am I feeling and what am I needing? Then take time to try to connect with the other – how do I intuit how the other might be feeling and what might they need?

Think of a parishioner who always dominates the conversation, always speaking more than is necessary. What is this person feeling? Perhaps they are feeling insecure, powerless, unheard, a sense of frustration, left out. What is their need? Perhaps then need acceptance, affirmation/validation, a sense of inclusion. to be heard, understanding, acknowledgement, a sense of belong.