Wednesday 16 May 2018 – Selinde Krayenhoff “Nonviolent/Compassionate Communication” #2 as taught be Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

Communication involves vulnerability.

Everyone is always doing the best they know how to do to meet their needs. All needs are positive. Everything we do is a strategy we use to try to meet our needs. We are using the toolkit we have been given to meet these needs:

Authenticity – integrity, purpose, respect, honest, meaning

Autonomy – choice, interdependence, freedom, space, consideration, respect

Celebration – dreams fulfilled, loss of loved ones/dreams (mourning)

Contribution – competence, direction, purpose, self expression, meaning

Interdependence – acceptance, appreciation, closeness, commitment, community, connection, contribution, cooperation, emotional safety, empathy, feedback, harmony, honesty, inclusion, information, love, reassurance, respect, support, trust understanding

Physical nurturance – air, food, exercise, rest, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch, water

Play – enjoyment, fun, creativity

Spiritual communion – beauty, harmony, peace, love, inspiration, order, creativity

(adapted from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD)

In this culture we go to structures and rules way too quickly. What we need is to build relationship before resorting to structure. Structure must never replace connection.

We need empathy and support when people are behaving in ways we don’t enjoy due to the tragic inheritance of an unmet need. Rosenberg:

Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.

Listen with the ears of the heart. You have your experience and I want to hear your experience.

Instead of taking responsibility for ourselves, we blame the other.

What precious life-giving need is this strategy seeking to meet?

We start looking for the beauty in everyone.

The times I behave the worst are when a precious life-giving need is not being met.

There are no right and wrong feelings. Maybe we just need a little empathy. Can we identify our feelings and needs and make a different choice?

Feelings are just information that can guide you to find your underlying need and then develop a responsible strategy to meet that need.

Beware of thoughts disguised as feelings – “I feel taken for granted” is a thought that immediately sets up resistance.

Start with an observation. What is going on? Name it and say how you feel. Our job is always to call people to live as the Body of Christ.

We need to learn how to bring conflict to the surface.

Power is a strategy for meeting a need. We use the power of love rather than the power of force.

This is the world of abundance which we find when we acknowledge our needs and the needs of others.

When I receive your message, there are four possible ways I can respond:

1. Fists out – anger. I attack the other

2. Fists in – depression, guilt, shame. I attack myself

1 & 2 always create disconnection.

3. Hands Open In – compassion, honesty, self-empathy. I connect to the truth within. What’s going on in me.

4. Hands Open Out – understanding, compassion, empathy for the other. I seek to understand what the other is feeling.

3 & 4 create connection.

“When you said…. I felt….” “I need….”

When you are grounded in your own feelings and needs then you can imagine what the other person’s feelings and needs might be.

It’s very hard to admit how people affect us.

If we are not clear about our own experience we do not take responsibility for our own feelings.

No one sets out to misunderstand someone.

We are fixers who believe if we behave a certain way, we should get a particular result.