Wednesday 16 May 2018 – Selinde Krayenhoff “Nonviolent/Compassionate Communication” #3 as taught be Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

How does language affect our feelings?

“Should” is an expectation, an image of what we “should” be like. Quit “shoulding” upon yourself and others. It doesn’t serve life.

Instead of “shoulds” what happens if I ask myself “What do I value?” We connect at the place of values. Soul blisters happen when we don’t live in alignment with our needs and values.

Strategies – the way we get our needs met. We confuse needs and strategies. We can’t judge strategies as good or bad. We get stuck on strategies. Strategies is where the conflicts come in.

It is only when we acknowledge our feelings and needs and the feelings and needs of others that the Holy Spirit can come in. Needs is where we connect to God and to each other.

The beauty of the need – walk with the beauty of a need you have judged as bad. If we don’t have a need we are autonomous. We don’t connect.

We need to hold our strategies lightly. Until I feel heard strategies make me feel pushed and bullied.

Strategies are generally best arrived at from the level of heart connection.

We need to move out of the scarcity model towards a model of abundance.

Conflict is always an opportunity to deepen relationship.

We all come into the world with a gift to share.

Opening our hearts also makes us vulnerable. In that vulnerability we fear that they may be broken. And yes, the world’s pain does break our hearts, over and over again. But a broken heart is not a paralyzed one. Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, and the saints, prophets, and masters of all religions have revealed this. Hearts are broken open, not destroyed; and from an open heart’s capacity to be with suffering, healing arises. Healing is not something that can be offered from a distance, an outside attempt to “fix” a problem. Rather, healing emerges from the act of “being with” suffering. The healing relationship is established by the authentic presence of an open heart. (Elizabeth Roberts & Elias Amidon Prayers for a Thousand Years)

We will sit and listen without judging or reacting. We will sit and listen in order to understand. We will sit and listen so attentively that we will be able to hear what has been left unsaid. We know that just by listening deeply, we already alleviate a great deal of pain and suffering in the other person. (portion of a prayer from Plum Village, a community formed by Thich Naht Hahn)

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change. (Carl Rogers)

Listening is very deep practice. You have to empty yourself. You have to leave space in order to listen, especially to the people we think are our enemies – the ones we believe are making our situation worse. When you have shown your capacity for listening and understanding, the other person will begin to listen to you, and you have a chance to tell him or her of your pain, and its your turn to et healed. This is the practice of peace. (Thich Nhat Hahn)