As if there has not been enough sorrow, yet again, today is a day of despair. Rumours of light fade into doubt. The only certainty seems to be the persistence of pain.

Today is the day that the earth stands still. The cosmos holds its breath, not even waiting because there is nothing left for which to wait. The voice of love has been silenced. Beauty has been extinguished. The truth I thought I knew has proven to be an empty lie. There is nothing to grasp in this place that follows the dark extinction that is death.

Today is the day when all my uncertainties and confusions come grinding to the surface. Everything is irredeemably broken.

Today is the day of hopelessness, the day of regret. So many things I could have done, should have done, might have done, but failed to do. Words I wish I had said; gestures of love and faithfulness that have slipped away never to be retrieved. I cannot go back; the past only reminds me of my shame, punishing me with the guilt that seems inescapable.

Today is the day the present has become unbearable. Each breath twists painfully in my chest. It is impossible to imagine putting one foot in front of another on this broken earth.

I cannot move forward; there is no forward to move toward. I can no longer even imagine what “forward” might look like. It is not possible to picture a future better than this barren present.

Today is the day I have no comfort to offer myself or others. Loss is the only common denominator, sorrow the one thing we share. Space opens around us. But this is not the space of freedom and possibility; this is the space of emptiness, a void I refuse to face. It is a dark vortex, sucking life into its cold grip. There is a stillness here that mocks my attempts to make sense of life in the midst of this endless grinding struggle.

Today I am paralysed, powerless; there is nothing I can do. My goals vanish in the darkness of this night; my daylight dreams crumble like cracked earth at my blistered feet. I see no light. All my optimistic plans and aspirations only mock me from the depths into which they have descended.

Today is the day I do not know what to do with myself. I have lost my way; perhaps there never was a way to lose. I do not know where to turn. All I can see are my failures. All I know are the defeats with which I am too familiar. Today there is no faith, no trust, no confidence.

I cannot believe the sun came up this morning. It is impossible to imagine how my heart keeps beating. Death has had the final word.

Today everything is lost. I no longer know how to begin to find my way out of this desperate place.

Today there are no road maps, no instruction manuals, no perky little self-help memes that have the power to pick up the shattered remnants of my life and patch them back together.

Today is the day I grope to find my way in the chaos, but no longer trust there is a way to be found.